I have always struggled to think linearly, my compound thoughts borderline schizophrenia. So allow me to think not write.
This is rather a very complex matter, my head has struggled to have its grip around it. The problem with writing thoughts as they happen is one never knows where it would lead, but my rabbit hole has a lot to do with love, sexuality and identity, yes, the big 3.
What triggered my thoughts, was what seemingly seems to be a series of infatuations, desires and lusts. The lest I know about this subject is no-one knows it well enough. My elders perspectives are important and irrelevant. My peer`s are too convoluted to even make sense. I guess mine are to anorexic to have any meat to it.
But we can all at least agree to this one fact, that it is easy to ask for things we can not give to others, sometimes what we think we want is not necessary what we need. These requests also translate to we treat people we love in our relationships. I am not in a romantic relationship and I guess my classic excuse ‘that I am not ready to date’ does not work when you are 27, relatively self-sufficient, right.
But the truth is, I really am not, at first I thought I was too picky or I do not like women, like an average man should. But with the aid of hindsight I was not being picky nor questioning my sexuality. I just blatantly did not know what I wanted, I could I?
I did not date myself enough to know so much intricate delays about how I give love and receive love. I did not take myself out enough times to even whether I prefer my steak medium-rear or well done, would I rather have a Chanin or Sauvingnon blanch? these preferences can not be learned in the presence of others, but must discovered by ones self about himself. As it is with wine and food so it it with love.
Most of the times we ask for love, we can not give. I think its bloody shallow to date someone because she is pretty, funny or smart. What happens when she is no longer that to your eyes? I cannot afford to give someone love I did not give myself. Take people to places I did not take myself, I come first.
The next girl I amgoing ask out, spoil with gifts, tell her how beautiful, funny and amazing she is…is ‘myself’. I am choose my selfish self to love selflessly.