My perspectives on dating

This is only but a perspective, as I might have once said, I write to structure my thoughts more than to relay them.

I have always struggled to think linearly, my compound thoughts borderline schizophrenia. So allow me to think not write.

This is rather a very complex matter, my head has struggled to have its grip around it. The problem with writing thoughts as they happen is one never knows where it would lead, but my rabbit hole has a lot to do with love, sexuality and identity, yes, the big 3.

What triggered my thoughts, was what seemingly seems to be a series of infatuations, desires and lusts. The lest I know about this subject is no-one knows it well enough. My elders perspectives are important and irrelevant. My peer`s are too convoluted to even make sense. I guess mine are to anorexic  to have any meat to it.

But we can all at least agree to this one fact, that it is easy to ask for things we can not give to others, sometimes what we think we want is not necessary what we need. These requests also translate to we treat people we love in our relationships. I am not in a romantic relationship and I  guess my classic excuse ‘that I am not ready to date’ does not work when you are 27, relatively self-sufficient, right.

But the truth is, I really am not, at first I thought I was too picky or I do not like women, like an average man should. But with the aid of hindsight I was not being picky nor questioning my sexuality. I just blatantly did not know what I wanted, I could I?

I did not date myself enough to know so much intricate delays about how I give love and receive love.  I did not take myself out enough times to even whether I prefer my steak medium-rear or well done, would I rather have  a Chanin or Sauvingnon blanch? these preferences can not be learned in the presence of others, but must discovered by ones  self about himself. As it is with wine and food so it it with love.

Most of the times we ask for love, we can not give. I think its bloody shallow to date someone because she is pretty, funny or smart. What happens when she is no longer that to your eyes? I cannot afford to give someone love I did not give myself. Take people to places I did not take myself, I come first.

The next girl I amgoing ask out, spoil with  gifts, tell her how beautiful, funny and amazing  she is…is ‘myself’. I am choose my selfish self to love selflessly.

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let the music go on

Image result for jesus in the storm painting

 

 

as i try to fall asleep with feelings of fear and cold

please don`t switch off the music in my head.

let these lyrics drown my fears and keep my bones warm.

 

i can hear my chest race as  rats raid my floor.

turn the volume up please!

its not sleep i desire just deafening still,

let the storm that is stirring outside and inside be still.

 

let this song swallow my sorrows,

let this music amuse my soul.

let this music steal me to a deep still sleep,

that even dawn cannot wake me from

 

  12:48am

 

You are worth more than 2 sparrows

Image result for south african 1/2 cent coin
There’s a beautiful story about human worth that comes out of the ugliness of war.
It is said that during the second Anglo-Boer War (South African War) of 1899-1902, the English were struggling to defeat the Boers who had adopted guerrilla warfare tactics.
One effective way to demoralise the Boers was for the English to round up all the women and children living on farms and put them into concentration camps and then burn the farms to the ground. The conditions in the concentration camps were dismal and thousands of women and children died.
It is said that the women in each camp had a survival theme taken from the Bible. This was to give them hope and encouragement. The theme for Bethulie concentration camp in the south of the Orange Free State was Matthew 10: 29-31. “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

This scripture inspired the women and theylater made a promise that should South Africa ever mint its’ own coins, they would strive to have their symbol of the sparrow embossed on the lowliest coin of our economy.

Money is worth less and less it seems these days, the lowly one cent coin has ceased to be minted. The symbol of the lowly sparrows of Mathew 10 are fading away from our memories, however the value of the human soul should never dwindle in our hearts and minds.

The noise of loniness 

More like “ruined” not abused. Ruining implies a permaent defiguring. I think ruining captures the exact evolution we go through when we allows our selves to be in sync with our still minds. 

You can not slay new dragons with the skills of your old warrior self, you must change. You have to change,  unfortunately this can not happen in crowds, the reactants might be contaminated by dusty opinions.
I will tell you why we aught to be fine with loneliness. In a world of serious mental illness loniness has been associated with serious psychological illnesses, loniness has gotten a bad wrap.
This very natural emotion has secret wonders in it that are essential for our development. There is beauty hiden behind the vail of loneliness
We are most creative in my loniest moments. Our thoughts have more depth and coherence in times of dreadful stillness and nothingness. Somethings can simply not be crated in crowds.

Lets to be comfortable with our own company and laugh at our own jokes. 
You must admit there is something tranquil about hearing the ticking of the clock or the cricking of crickets in a still day. Let’s not be afraid of this, infact let’s embrace it.

This is my land

After 18 yrs in England, When Tiyo Soga saw this part of my land he he took his pen and wrote

“Bona izwe lakowethu, uxolele izono zalo, ungayithobi ingqumbo yakhe, hleze lufu usapho lwakho.”

I got so spiritual gazing at South Africa and her beauty. I realised that sometimes our eyes can prevent us from seeing beauty.

South Africa’s political history

Today I started my Summer school classes in South African political history, I thought it would be a nice detox from my usual dose of medical classes. 

Well I do not intend on giving you a crash course on South African history, but I will bring to surface some important considerations and emotions I felt and learned about South Africa and myself.

Like most things from our past, it’s a narration of greed and power. During the class I got to learn how apartheid Version 1.0 developed from colonialism until it was solidified by really smart men of my university , Stellenbosch. I am saying smart men because we are still trying to undo the horror they have made, and we are not doing a great job.

I could also not help but notice that through out history a blackbirds has always been a victim of a white men’s greed and trickery. This made me question simple thing, like, why do we learn histiry? I guess the answer would be like so that we do not repeat it, so that we can understand the present. 

Truthful as that maybe, I think that people do what people want to do in the context of the times and environment they find themselves.

I do not think that for example the Afrikaaners did not learn any valuable lessons from Germany or the US. But they socially engineered South Aftica in a way that would benefit them, regardless of the lessons that history might have taught them.

Lessons from history do not prevent humans from presently writing a history that would be grossly unjust and hateful. People always act out of self interest within the context they find themselves in.

History is retrospective and it can only teach us when we want it to, but it has no powers to influence our actions paving the future.

I was also aware of the teacher doing the teaching, what she was saying was not wrong, but it was also not right. Yes it was an accurate account of the events, however from the perspective she was analyzing it from.

History can be narrated however one pleases, while the narrator has the onus to be unbiased in her account, it remains the responsibility of the student to scrutinize and see the topic from different perspectives.

The student has the liberty to formulate his own conclusion based of variable sources and accounts but remembering that his conclusion is only but an opinion, part of the truth not the whole truth.

Pondering on semester ONE of year TWO

Behind the façade of success there is a lonely man putting innumerable hours i mastering his craft and learning the ins and outs of his field.

I am beginning to learn that success if not accidental, its not by happenstance. It is purposeful consistent effort put in to learning and improving once craft. Big businesses are not started over night, it takes time and effort.

Today we finished the first semester of second year, like any Stellenbosch trained doctor will tell you second year is like giving birth to an elephant. The amount of mental agility and inner strength to push during those contractions in immense. You soon learn that you are in a marathon not a sprint and if you are going to win, consistence and handwork are a must have.

When it comes to medicine, its not like Math, you don`t figure your way to an answer, the answer is given to you, its in the textbook and to extract it you must study the book. There is no way to know this work without studying it indepth, and I am saying in-depth because that`s what you must know to save a life oneday, the specific indepth details of the body.

I do not doubt that Medicine has and will give me alot in life, but the inverse is also true, Medicine is taking a lot out of me. This degree is changing me.