let the music go on

Image result for jesus in the storm painting

 

 

as i try to fall asleep with feelings of fear and cold

please don`t switch off the music in my head.

let these lyrics drown my fears and keep my bones warm.

 

i can hear my chest race as  rats raid my floor.

turn the volume up please!

its not sleep i desire just deafening still,

let the storm that is stirring outside and inside be still.

 

let this song swallow my sorrows,

let this music amuse my soul.

let this music steal me to a deep still sleep,

that even dawn cannot wake me from

 

  12:48am

 

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You are worth more than 2 sparrows

Image result for south african 1/2 cent coin
There’s a beautiful story about human worth that comes out of the ugliness of war.
It is said that during the second Anglo-Boer War (South African War) of 1899-1902, the English were struggling to defeat the Boers who had adopted guerrilla warfare tactics.
One effective way to demoralise the Boers was for the English to round up all the women and children living on farms and put them into concentration camps and then burn the farms to the ground. The conditions in the concentration camps were dismal and thousands of women and children died.
It is said that the women in each camp had a survival theme taken from the Bible. This was to give them hope and encouragement. The theme for Bethulie concentration camp in the south of the Orange Free State was Matthew 10: 29-31. “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

This scripture inspired the women and theylater made a promise that should South Africa ever mint its’ own coins, they would strive to have their symbol of the sparrow embossed on the lowliest coin of our economy.

Money is worth less and less it seems these days, the lowly one cent coin has ceased to be minted. The symbol of the lowly sparrows of Mathew 10 are fading away from our memories, however the value of the human soul should never dwindle in our hearts and minds.

The noise of loniness 

More like “ruined” not abused. Ruining implies a permaent defiguring. I think ruining captures the exact evolution we go through when we allows our selves to be in sync with our still minds. 

You can not slay new dragons with the skills of your old warrior self, you must change. You have to change,  unfortunately this can not happen in crowds, the reactants might be contaminated by dusty opinions.
I will tell you why we aught to be fine with loneliness. In a world of serious mental illness loniness has been associated with serious psychological illnesses, loniness has gotten a bad wrap.
This very natural emotion has secret wonders in it that are essential for our development. There is beauty hiden behind the vail of loneliness
We are most creative in my loniest moments. Our thoughts have more depth and coherence in times of dreadful stillness and nothingness. Somethings can simply not be crated in crowds.

Lets to be comfortable with our own company and laugh at our own jokes. 
You must admit there is something tranquil about hearing the ticking of the clock or the cricking of crickets in a still day. Let’s not be afraid of this, infact let’s embrace it.

This is my land

After 18 yrs in England, When Tiyo Soga saw this part of my land he he took his pen and wrote

“Bona izwe lakowethu, uxolele izono zalo, ungayithobi ingqumbo yakhe, hleze lufu usapho lwakho.”

I got so spiritual gazing at South Africa and her beauty. I realised that sometimes our eyes can prevent us from seeing beauty.

South Africa’s political history

Today I started my Summer school classes in South African political history, I thought it would be a nice detox from my usual dose of medical classes. 

Well I do not intend on giving you a crash course on South African history, but I will bring to surface some important considerations and emotions I felt and learned about South Africa and myself.

Like most things from our past, it’s a narration of greed and power. During the class I got to learn how apartheid Version 1.0 developed from colonialism until it was solidified by really smart men of my university , Stellenbosch. I am saying smart men because we are still trying to undo the horror they have made, and we are not doing a great job.

I could also not help but notice that through out history a blackbirds has always been a victim of a white men’s greed and trickery. This made me question simple thing, like, why do we learn histiry? I guess the answer would be like so that we do not repeat it, so that we can understand the present. 

Truthful as that maybe, I think that people do what people want to do in the context of the times and environment they find themselves.

I do not think that for example the Afrikaaners did not learn any valuable lessons from Germany or the US. But they socially engineered South Aftica in a way that would benefit them, regardless of the lessons that history might have taught them.

Lessons from history do not prevent humans from presently writing a history that would be grossly unjust and hateful. People always act out of self interest within the context they find themselves in.

History is retrospective and it can only teach us when we want it to, but it has no powers to influence our actions paving the future.

I was also aware of the teacher doing the teaching, what she was saying was not wrong, but it was also not right. Yes it was an accurate account of the events, however from the perspective she was analyzing it from.

History can be narrated however one pleases, while the narrator has the onus to be unbiased in her account, it remains the responsibility of the student to scrutinize and see the topic from different perspectives.

The student has the liberty to formulate his own conclusion based of variable sources and accounts but remembering that his conclusion is only but an opinion, part of the truth not the whole truth.

Pondering on semester ONE of year TWO

Behind the façade of success there is a lonely man putting innumerable hours i mastering his craft and learning the ins and outs of his field.

I am beginning to learn that success if not accidental, its not by happenstance. It is purposeful consistent effort put in to learning and improving once craft. Big businesses are not started over night, it takes time and effort.

Today we finished the first semester of second year, like any Stellenbosch trained doctor will tell you second year is like giving birth to an elephant. The amount of mental agility and inner strength to push during those contractions in immense. You soon learn that you are in a marathon not a sprint and if you are going to win, consistence and handwork are a must have.

When it comes to medicine, its not like Math, you don`t figure your way to an answer, the answer is given to you, its in the textbook and to extract it you must study the book. There is no way to know this work without studying it indepth, and I am saying in-depth because that`s what you must know to save a life oneday, the specific indepth details of the body.

I do not doubt that Medicine has and will give me alot in life, but the inverse is also true, Medicine is taking a lot out of me. This degree is changing me.

Blogging about my medical journey 

There’s a number of reasons why I disliked blogging about my medical school experiences. One of them was that ‘ I find medical students tak be very shallow, well that’s what you get when you take a 17 year old baby an make him grow around dying people.

Medical school people are a strange bunch, medicine is a strange field in its self.

You see we learn about giving ‘life’ but in that same process we are learning about taking it. We learn about great medicines like morphin which can give you life and take it away.

I don’t do well with ironies. Previously I started blogging as a way of sorting and structuring my thought, making them more tangable. 

My life revolves around endless medical content, this is great, because it atleast keeps my mind calm and intrigued, but I fear the shallowness of medicine.

I fear seeing the heart as a blood pump. I fear having answers to most things, we learn because we live, what happens when we have learned all we could? Well maybe such a point does not exist.

But I am taught by expects in their fields, man and women who have spend all their time learning the eyeball, the heart and 2 lungs, many of them are amazing doctors but suck as fathers.

I wa sharing how lonely studying medicine can be, we stay awY from people we love for so long and learning about illnesses. 

The jeourney seems long and lonely. She said to me, great people do not have friends, great dad’s do not make great doctors. This scares the sunshine out of me.

I want to be a brilliant doctors, well I will be, but I also kinda want to share my life with someone special, and learn to ride a horse.

But my abitions! My ambitions have employed me full time and I think the sad part is ‘ I love and enjoy it’ to a point where I don’t care, ridding horses when you can understand the electro-conductions of the heart.

I don’t find joy in playing bridge or crazy8 with friends when you be dissecting a cadavour. 

This not caring scares me and for a long time I did not want to blog about it but writing is how I make sense of turmoil.